I wish I could say I’m a confident heart; but in reality, I’m one of the biggest of worriers. So many times I wish I could say that I “rocked it”, “nailed it,” or use whatever other type of affirmation is out there. But instead, I’m left with thoughts of all those tasks left undone or done poorly. They wash through my mind like a tidal wave. I made mistakes. I failed to meet people’s expectations. I disappointed myself. And somewhere in that acknowledgement, I find myself crumpling to the floor, like a page that is frustratingly cast aside. I don’t think I’m alone in this.
This past Friday, I realized how often I consciously, and perhaps sometimes subconsciously, center my actions on trying to not make a mistake. I focus so much on the perfectionism of a task that I can quickly make things into a life and death situation. Still, somewhere between the tears of Friday and Saturday, I finally realized that I had spent so much energy trying to play the role of Lord.
Have you ever tried to stay afloat by your own human willpower? If you have, then you know just how exhausting that can be. Funny, not funny, how we put ourselves through more than we need to. But it’s what we can so easily do.
Anxiety has a way of paralyzing us. But then again, I remember Someone who came and healed the paralytic.
If you’re an easily anxious person, then maybe you already know this; but I’m having to remind myself that we have two choices when that anxiety button starts flashing. We can let the doubts, the mistakes, and the misunderstandings throw us into that dark pit of panic; or we can
let anxiety be the wind that hurls us to the feet of Christ.
When the latter occurs, is it still painful? Yes; but dare I say, it’s also a gift. This fearful heart is led to a deeper longing for prayer and deeper assurance in just how present Emmanuel is. My longing for Jesus is that much stronger when I’m more aware of my own weakness and inadequacies.
Somewhere I heard that still voice this weekend, Are you ready to trust me now? Surrender. Oh it’s sweet! And peace comes in a way that isn’t logically explainable to my panicked mind.
Peace doesn’t need an answer. Peace doesn’t need my perfection. Peace doesn’t come as a result of a mistake being fixed. Peace doesn’t come as a result of my plans coming to fruition. It doesn’t come in being understood. Peace comes right in that rubble of self-doubt and failure. And it comes in the presence of the One who calls the stars by name. Peace comes in the Answer who holds all the unanswered questions in His hand.
And peace is something we have to fight for. Every. Single. Day. Go looking for the One who is looking for you.
If you’re on that same trek of learning surrender and battle for peace, be encouraged. In this acknowledgement of human weakness, hear Him whisper well done. No, not well done for outward successes necessarily. God knows and we know how many times we fall short. Hear Him whisper well done, for right now, for back then, for every moment we acknowledge Him as Lord, when we say Yes, I trust you. He’s pleased with our trusting.
Now be still. Unwrap the paradox of peace. Let your heart find hope in this sweet gift of communion. Perhaps we wouldn’t have taken such a gift had we not recognized first, our need for it. And whisper to yourself that He is God and He is good. With Him, you have all you’ll ever need.
Just This. 